Thursday, April 28, 2005  

TLC vs. Lauryn Hill
"No Scrubs"

No, she don't want to get with your deadbeat ass, but thanks for making my girl's daily run a daily ordeal. Drivers of seven different vehicles---all crappy pickup trucks and vans---decided to harass her in one day. A new record! Usually it's just two or three of you calling out vulgarities, though you're always in the company of your buddies because jackasses travel in packs. (cf. National Geographic, Dec. 1964 issue, "The Homoerotic Bonding Habits of the Homophobic Suburban Mule")

What makes you so sure that under my girl's baggy shirt and ankle-length sweatpants she's not packing heat? You know, like a cell phone with 911 on speed dial? She could have the police at your house faster than you can say, "Momma, I'm home!"

But it's not just my girl who you're affecting. By turning into Linda Blair and twisting your neck all the way around to cop as long a look as possible, you're endangering the people crossing the street. "Damn, I totally obliterated that little kid in the crosswalk and now I will go to jail for life, but at least I got to see some of that sweet lady's flesh---granted, it was her middle finger, but I'll take what I can get."

Posted by CP | Link |

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